Lived It

Snack: Let Madonna direct her Casablanca remake (and our other movie wishes)

Episode Summary

Inspired by Wish Dragon, we pick out our three movie wishes: retroactive Oscars, Madonna’s adaptation of Casablanca, and a very crazy Planet of the Apes casting. All in this episode with Alexei Toliopoulos and Gen Fricker.

Episode Notes

Episode Transcription

Gen Fricker:

Do my eyes deceive me? Is that Alexei Toliopoulos?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

They do not deceive you, Gen Fricker. I am sitting before you, on this very day.

Gen Fricker:

Here we are, for a snack episode of The Big Film Buffet, where we dive into our pop cultural obsessions this week. And honestly, Alexei, after last week's main episode, where we talked about the brand new animation, Wish Dragon, a modern take on the genie-in-the-bottle story, started making me think about wishes. And I thought of ... You ever look at movies and you're like, I don't know, movie wishes?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Yes. Movie wishes, things that we wish had happened in movies, things in cinema history we wish that did exist.

Gen Fricker:

Yeah. If there was a little genie in the bottle, and you rubbed that little bottle, and a genie popped out or a wish dragon if you will, and was like, you could have three wishes granted.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Wow. The Hollywood wish dragon.

Gen Fricker:

Yeah. So He's a Hollywood wish dragon. So he's got a really full-on fake tan, glasses, white-

Alexei Toliopoulos:

A sort of sweater draped around his shoulders.

Gen Fricker:

Yeah. Pink sweater over a white linen shirt.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

He's ready to go golfing in the middle of the day.

Gen Fricker:

Totally. And he's just put up in a red convertible, and he goes like this, "Alexei, baby, I'm going to make you a star. And by star, I mean, of your own wishes." What would your three wishes be with the Hollywood wish dragon?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Hollywood wish dragon, let me tell you wish number one. This is one that I'm grappling with, because I feel like it is a missed opportunity that we are currently living in right now. The new Fast & Furious movie is about to hit the screens around the world.

Gen Fricker:

What are we on? Which fast-

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Fast Nine, I believe it is.

Gen Fricker:

Wow.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Fast Nine, 20 years of the Fast and the Furious.

Gen Fricker:

It felt [inaudible 00:01:58] a day ago. [crosstalk 00:01:59].

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Absolutely. It was just days ago, where I was seeing Vin Diesel and Paul Walker steal fricking busted up DVD players off trucks and selling them.

Gen Fricker:

La Familia.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Now La Familia is out in space and stuff, doing really crazy stuff. So the new Fast & Furious movie, we finally meet some of Vin Diesel's character, Dominic Toretto, actual familia. And who plays his brother? John Cena, who you may know from being a wrestler. You may have actually not seen him wrestling. That's part of his catchphrase, "You can't see me."

Gen Fricker:

Oh, okay.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

And he's also in Trainwreck, where you actually would have seen him in, Trainwreck, the movie Blockers. I think he's a very gifted, comedic actor when it comes to film. But to me, this is a missed opportunity of the highest order.

Gen Fricker:

Oh, my God, why?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

I do declare it has been one of my biggest dream to see two iconic actors enter the Fast universe, because I think they would slip in perfectly and speak to this kind of bizarre, big, action movie genre. I think Dominic Toretto's brother should have either been played by two Italian American actors or interchangeably by them. I'm talking about Nicolas Coppolla Cage, and I'm talking about John Travolta, the stars of Face/Off. They would have slipped perfectly into this world of psycho, big, action type stuff, big, bold choices. I want to see them as Torettos, and I would love to see John Travolta with his bald head that he's been rocking these days, playing Vin Diesel's brother.

Gen Fricker:

Wow. So why them specifically?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

I think Face/Off is a big movie that really resonates with me the same way that the new Fast & Furious movies have been, where the octane of the action keeps getting more amped up, more souped up. And I think that they have needed to merge these together for a long time.

Gen Fricker:

The universes of Face/Off and the Furious franchise?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

At least in a marriage of casting those actors. To me, that just makes sense. And John Cena, he doesn't speak enough culturally to the history of cinema, to where I would want him to be worthy of playing Vin Diesel's brother.

Gen Fricker:

Wow. Okay. So let's put it out there. You don't believe John Cena is worthy of playing Vin Diesel's brother?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

No. Well, not that severely. I'm actually thinking he's going to be really great in the movie-

Gen Fricker:

[inaudible 00:04:21].

Alexei Toliopoulos:

... and I cannot wait to see it. But John Travolta and Nicolas Cage are worthy to be Dominic Toretto's brother. And that's what I would use my first wish on was to correct something that I see out there in the world that needs to be. Jen, what is your first wish for the wish dragon?

Gen Fricker:

I wish that retroactive Oscars were a thing, so that we can look back at movies and go, the academy got it wrong that year. Not going to take away any Oscars, but we're going to add Oscars.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

I love this, dude.

Gen Fricker:

My main one, as an example, I think given the cultural impact of her performance specifically, we should give Rachel McAdams an Oscar for Mean Girls-

Alexei Toliopoulos:

I got a chill

Gen Fricker:

... for playing Regina George.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Absolutely. I got a fricking chill-

Gen Fricker:

Right?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

... all the way up and down my long, gargantuan, wish dragon spine.

Gen Fricker:

I know. And I'm sorry to do that to you, wish dragon.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

That excites me so much, dude. I think that's spot on.

Gen Fricker:

I think that no one knew what that movie was going to be. No one knew the cultural impact at the time. I also feel like we've changed as a culture. So now we're putting more value on films that are largely geared towards women, especially young women.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Big time.

Gen Fricker:

And also, that was a breakout role for Rachel McAdams. Yes, she'd been in The Notebook and stuff like that, but it was a comedic role, which we don't get to see enough from her, I feel. And also, just every line reading was iconic, "That is the ugliest effing skirt I've ever seen in my entire life."

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Amazing, beautiful line reads. I cannot second this enough. Wish dragon, please make this wish come true.

Gen Fricker:

Please, wish dragon. Okay. Second wish for the Hollywood wish dragon, what are you going with?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Okay. My next couple of wishes are about movies that never were, that I wished were.

Gen Fricker:

Okay. So you're asking the wish dragon to make these movies?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

To make these movies happen. I remember reading about them many, many moons ago. Now let me take you back to the year 2008, Madonna was directing movies.

Gen Fricker:

Oh, she was too.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

She did a few. She did that movie WE.

Gen Fricker:

Yes. Yes. About Prince Edward's not wife.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Yes. So she was making some movies. I know that she was involved with Guy Ritchie, her then husband, making a movie, Swept Away, which was based on a classic Italian movie by Lina Wertmüller. And that's crazy that she did that, but she wanted to do more of that, remaking some big classics.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

In 2008, Madonna was trying to get a remake of Casablanca made-

Gen Fricker:

What?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

... with her directing it and her starring as the Ingrid Bergman role in Casablanca.

Gen Fricker:

Wow.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

I have thought about this for the last, I guess, 13 years of my life, about what this movie could possibly be. What would she do with Casablanca? Arguably, probably the most famous movie ever made. She wanted to remake it in fucking 2008. I don't know who was going to be in it. I can't imagine. Who's your Humphrey Bogart of that day. Fricking Guy Pearce or something?

Gen Fricker:

Yeah. Wow. Who could it be? I mean, that speaks to Madonna's vision though. She only works on a scale that-

Alexei Toliopoulos:

That major.

Gen Fricker:

... gargantuan. It's almost quixotic. You know what I mean?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Exactly.

Gen Fricker:

It's almost like you have to have some kind of mixture of delusion and actual genius, to be like, "I'm going to remake Don most famous movie, and I'm going to put my-

Alexei Toliopoulos:

"And I'm going to be fricking in it."

Gen Fricker:

"I'm going to direct it, and I'm going to star in it." Wow.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Yeah. And I'm going to use it as a way to get George Clooney. He could be Humphrey Bogart or something. That's one that I really have wanted to see. And wish dragon, I would beg of you to allow that to exist in reality. Wish dragon is flying over to you, Gen. Second wish, what is it?

Gen Fricker:

Mine's really easy. I've tried to watch Midsommar three times, and I can't make it past the first 10 minutes, because it's actually too distressing, but everyone keeps telling me it's a great film. And I do really want to see it. So wish dragon, please just help me get through the first 10 minutes. That's mine.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

We want a Gen cut of Midsommar.

Gen Fricker:

Yeah. Just make it a little less spooky-ooky. What about your other wishes?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

My favourite franchise of all time is Planet of the Apes. I love Planet of the Apes. In the '90s, there was a Planet of the Apes script floating around. It was called Return of the Apes, and it was really weird, time travel. It involved like a doctor who could go back in time and in the Bible found this hidden code that the apes would one day take over the world and stuff. Very, very strange. And the doctor in question that was going to be playing this time-travelling man was Arnie.

Gen Fricker:

What?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Arnie Schwarzenegger.

Gen Fricker:

Sorry. I just screamed.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Yeah, because it's kind of big news that, that happened. And it didn't happen. I've read the screenplay for it. And I just want that movie to exist, because he is a bonkers screenplay that involves Adam and Eve and the Middle Ages, the Iron Age. It's crazy.

Gen Fricker:

Maybe wish dragon goes back in time to the '90s and gets it made.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

That's what I want.

Gen Fricker:

That'd be so sick. Oh my God. Okay.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

The final wish is yours.

Gen Fricker:

All right. It's very specific. I would like to see, wish dragon, a feature length movie made of the Lady Marmalade video clip from the Moulin Rouge soundtrack, starring, Christina, Lil Kim and Pink and Maya. I'm sure I'm forgetting someone else, but don't-

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Is it Missy?

Gen Fricker:

Of course, it's Missy.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Missy Elliott.

Gen Fricker:

But wouldn't you like to see that?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

This is the one I feel most passionately about now.

Gen Fricker:

An iconic video clip. There's so much in it. And yes, maybe it does exist in the same universe as the Moulin Rouge movie, but also, I would just like to see ... It's like Hustlers, but like-

Alexei Toliopoulos:

I'm crying.

Gen Fricker:

... Victorian [crosstalk 00:10:25].

Alexei Toliopoulos:

I'm weeping right now, imagining this movie to see.

Gen Fricker:

Anyway, this is all I want, wish dragon.

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Oh, my God, I want it so bad. Wish dragon, I'm giving up every wish. Please, please, please, can you make them fricking Lady Marmalade music video a full feature film?

Gen Fricker:

Do you think it's hack when you get three wishes to ask for more wishes?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Absolutely. I think it's hack. You can't do it. It's rude. It's so rude to the wish dragon, to the genie.

Gen Fricker:

To whoever magical individual, right?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Exactly. They should be going out, giving more wishes to the kids around the world.

Gen Fricker:

Yeah. But then also I'm trying to think of myself in a practical situation. I'd ask. What are they going to say? Worst says no?

Alexei Toliopoulos:

Worst they're going to do is, okay, just keep filling up my Tim Tam box. Please, keep filling it up.